Monday, June 20, 2011

Annual Royals Kingdom 'Ode to the St. Louis Cardinals (and their fans)'

Another heart stopping series between the Kansas City Royals and St. Louis Cardinals concluded Sunday afternoon in America's Most Dangerous city and the Royals dropped the season series against their pre-fabricated, "Son of Denkinger", pointless rival across I-70. After the final game of the series that saw a few sparks of frustration from the red-clad Best Fans in Baseball's team, Alex Gordon called the Cards a "bunch of babies" for plunking him late in the game as retaliation for what seemed to be two innocent, yet unfortunate plays earlier in the game.

So this of course sparked my disdain for the St. Louis Cardinals. I don't know where it came from, but for the love of bearded Jesus, I really can't stand much of anything about this franchise.

It could stem from the fact that the fans have pretty much branded themselves as the "Best Fans in Baseball". Best at what, exactly? I don't understand what the whole self-appreciation hubbub is about. Hey, guess what? EVERY FREAKING TEAM IN BASEBALL SAYS THAT THEY HAVE THE BEST FANS IN BASEBALL. Here's a quote from John Q. baseball player from an on-field interview after literally every game ever: "I'm just thankful that we get to go out in front of the best fans in the game and I'm glad we won."

So throw a freaking parade for yourselves and dust off that Aaron Miles jersey, man! You've achieved something so very rare that it's only mentioned at every opportune time for any player ever to earn goodie points with the home town folks so your front office will throw a few extra bucks at him once he hits free agency. It's a pretty common practice. I'm sure you believe that Jesus Christ was a bearded white man who spoke English, too.

I've heard people refer to St. Louis as the "Capital of Baseball". Of course, those were people from St. Louis. But THEN I heard from this guy at Charlie Gitto's who says that Abner Doubleday made a trip to the Casino Queen back in 1881, so this is all verified that St. Louis is indeed the Capitol of Baseball and all fans should make pilgrimage to St. Louis and pay homage to the home of baseball...and the Bowling Hall of Fame.

Here's an idea. Instead of referring to yourselves as the "Best fans in baseball", refer to yourself as the "best franchise in baseball". You can certainly get away with that and it would be less absurd than making the notion that your fan base is superior to 29 others. You've won 10 World Series! You have had some of the greatest players to EVER strap on the cleats and play between the lines. Yet the most important thing about the Cardinals is the fans. Hey that's just great. Guess you've earned it after all. You've never gone longer than 25 years without a World Series victory. Hell, you go to the playoffs every year. You have the most prolific slugger of our generation wearing Cardinal red (for now).

My point is that it is EASY to be a Cardinals fan. It's EASY to root for your team. It's EASY to spit on teams like the Royals and Cubs because we've been so terrible and you've been so great. I mean, your worst team in the last 15 years won a World Series for Christ's sake!

Hey, guess what? I've won 20 Super Bowls on Madden. I'm the best player in Madden. Oh, what skill level was I playing on? EASY.

You're on EASY mode, St. Louis. Where you kill the boss on one shot while running around just firing random bullets into the air, hoping one hits.

Over here in KCMO, we're on extreme-devil mode. Where fucking zombies jump out of walls and eat your brains out after you save the princess. Where no matter what, you can't ever kill the boss, despite pumping round after round into his face. Where possibly your greatest pitcher ever demands a trade because he "doesn't like it here". SHIT AIN'T EXACTLY EASY OVER HERE.

Well guess what happens after you play enough times on extreme-devil mode? You get better...and better...and better...and better. You get draft picks. You make changes to your philosophy. You appreciate what you earn and enjoy watching how far you've come.

Guess what? We're getting better. Our owner actually seems to have figured out how to run some semblance of a professional sports franchise. We preserved one of the games iconic ballparks, while you grabbed the cookie cutter after Pittsburgh, Colorado, Texas and Philly were done using it. We've got the up and coming hottie that was just named hottest chick in the history of whatever and showing massive amounts of potential. You've got the 50-year-old divorcee with the bad boob job. Sure, it'll be fun for awhile, but man I can't wait to see that bitch go batshit crazy on your ass.

The next 25 years should be fun.


  1. I can taste the bitterness oozing from KC all the way over here on the east side of the state

    BEST FANS IN BASEBALL = a solid mix of (among other things) numbers (over $3,000,000 annually, about double that of KC), courteous fans, (applaud for opposing players who make good plays), with knowledge of the game (can respect hustle in the OF that holds a should be double into a single)

    Your fans show up drunk in the third inning to act like a bunch of monkeys for a few innings and then hit the exits so they are planted in front of a TV set in time to see the end of the game

    case and point, you posted this article almost 24 hours ago and not one "royals fan" has commented on what a good article this is (and it is well written) or come to your conclusion - they're all busy planning next years ku GDI circle-jerk tailgates

  2. Brian, you really need to get a life.
    So far so good in the Fall of 2012; another post season in StL; and yet another cold dark fall night in KC. Dont fret though, KU Midnight Madness was last night.