Friday, October 28, 2011

Why Kansas City hates the Cardinals and their fans

I'm sitting here writing this in total darkness on Friday night of Halloween weekend. I could be out partying with friends, but I'm tired. So stop judging me.

I'm sitting here watching the Cardinals en route to their 11th World Series title and 250 miles away, a city is celebrating a championship. And here we sit, in the cold, another October without baseball in Kansas City.

I have never exactly been able to put my finger on the exact reason why I hate the St. Louis Cardinals. Maybe it's their smarmy fans who proclaim every other fanbase as second rate citizens. Maybe it's the 70 year old Italian woman that manages the team. Maybe it's their inexplicable knack for pulling Septembers and Octobers out of their ass like some kind of Chinese magician. Maybe it's because they spit on 1985 as a World Series that doesn't matter. Oh it matters. It matters when it's the only damn one that you've won.

I hope they know what they have. They've never suffered. And that isn't their fault. It's not their fault at all. They have had a run of fantastic front office people and great players like Albert Pujols, Chris Carpenter and Jim Edmonds.

But what also pisses me off that for every Albert Pujols and Jim Edmonds, you have a David Eckstein or Scott Spiezio playing just as well in October. How the hell does that happen? If you ask a Cardinals' fan, it's because they get so amped playing in front of the best fans in baseball. If you ask me, it's because some dickhead made a blood sacrifice to Satan himself in exchange for some T-Ravs, a case of Michelob Golden and an eternity of unlikely, no, impossible, postseason success.

In all honesty, the Cardinals are probably the 10th or 12th best organization in Major League Baseball in the past six years, yet they've now won two of the last six World Series. I'd realistically put the Phillies, Yankees, Braves, Rays, Rangers and Red Sox ahead of them and the Cardinals have won just one less championship than those six teams COMBINED.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, HOW THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING?

And no, this isn't some backhanded compliment to the fans of the St. Louis Cardinals. NO! It is an explanation as to why everyone hates you here. Since you were popped out of your mother's birth canal, the Cardinals have never sucked. EVER.

"Well, there was the '96 team that only won 84 games..." NO! You've never sucked. EVER.

You spit on us and call us second-rate citizens for sticking by a team that Mother Teresa would have a tough time rooting for. A team so awful, they have had ONE winning season in the last 17 years. ONE. So excuse my while I go all Ivan Drago's wife when I say:

"You act like you are so very good and we are so very bad."

SO WITH THAT SAID, please...please, please, please...STOP referring to yourselves as the best fans in baseball and start celebrating the proud, lucky, stupid history of your franchise.

Now, I'm getting drunk.